This is going to be a very honest blog post about something I've been going through for almost my entire life, and have only just started to find answers for.
Have you ever struggled with what seems like an invisible force over your life, controlling the outcome of situations and influencing your circumstances and even the interactions of others towards you? Have you ever felt so frustrated with this that you've tried with all of your strength to change your circumstances, only for all of your efforts to be in vain?
I know this feeling all too well as this has been a huge part of my life. Starting from when I was very young, I have always felt like a loser. There was nothing I hated more than losing at absolutely anything - be this a computer game, an argument with someone, literally anything. When I was a child and I would play sports at school, if I was ever on the losing team (which was most of the time) I would burst into tears. The biggest cry of my heart would be the words "It's not fair". It wasn't really so much losing the game that I was playing - it was that I felt there was something behind the scenes, subtly affecting my every move, subtly affecting the circumstances to ensure that I was on the losing side, every time. I could sense that something was happening but I couldn't define it and therefore I couldn't stop it, so every team game I played I would immediately be at a disadvantage - and so would the team that I was on. Other children would tease me about this mercilessly but I couldn't help the overwhelming emotion that I felt - it was so strong and told me so clearly that something was not right and was working against me, and this would turn into immense frustration which would result in anger and tears.
This sensation of something working against me did not stop with time - if anything, it got worse. When I began to play competitive football against other schools, most of the time I would end up in the worst team in the league and we would get thrashed at games, sometimes with scores up to 12-0. As a child with the sensation that something was following me and creating this yet I couldn't do anything about it, this was devastating. Sometimes it just seemed as if nothing I did would ever be right - a goalkeeper on the other team could be having a terrible game, but if ever I took a shot against him, he would miraculously be able to save it every time. The frustration became overwhelming and turned into bitterness and anger which began to result in violence - many times on the football pitch I would take my frustrations out on the other team which would mean kicking the other players, and I would also become violent towards myself at times too such as hitting myself out of the overwhelming frustration.
This sensation did not just stick with the sports field - it began to interfere with every aspect of my life. When I sat my exams when I was a teenager I needed 50% to pass one of them and ended up with 48% - when I requested a recount on my marks they marked me up to 49% - agonizingly close but just not good enough. When I was on the debating team at school I would somehow manage to say the wrong thing every time and all of my answers would get picked to pieces by the opposing team. If I was joining in with several others being disruptive in a classroom I would be the only one called up for it and getting in trouble while everyone else escaped punishment - something which once again made me feel "this isn't fair". There were times when I would be able to win and come first at things but those times did not happen often and when they did, it did not come easily - it felt like it took a herculean amount of effort on my part to achieve any sort of victory.
Over time this sensation of constantly failing and not being quite good enough - just falling short of the mark - began to seriously deteriorate my self esteem and self belief. I began to think like a loser - sometimes I would even say to myself over and over again "I'm a loser!" and I began to develop a negative, bitter and defeatist mentality in life that would literally say "there's no point in even trying because I'm just going to lose anyway" and if I ever did try something, I would end up losing just like I thought I would, which would just further reinforce what I already saw as absolute truth. This defeatist mentality began to lead to severe bullying even in my teenage years as I didn't see any point in fighting back because I felt I wasn't ever allowed to win a fight - verbally or physically - which lead to severe depression as time went on and turned me into a very timid, fragile and oversensitive person who could not express their extreme anger and frustration.
Even since dedicating my life to God this issue has not gone away and I have seen quite frankly ridiculous injustices over the years - such as being stabbed when I foiled a robbery and the judge letting the offenders go with absolutely nothing - which made me say to myself "I bet that happened just because this was me - if it had been someone else they'd have been punished properly." This issue has caused me issues in the workplace in my adult life as I have struggled to stand up for myself against unacceptable behavior from colleagues because everything inside me has said I would just make things worse if I fought back. I struggled a lot when it would come to dealing with unpleasant and rude customers, especially if I had to tell them something they didn't want to hear as they would just start arguing with me and because I had learned to just expect defeat I would just fold under their pressure, which created frustration for me and colleagues.
The other day, everything came to a head when I was doing some online gaming and I was on the losing team every time for about 10 games in a row and something in me finally snapped and I just said "I've had enough of this. God - something is seriously wrong here. Please tell me what it is because I desperately need breakthrough. This issue has dogged me my entire life and I can't take it anymore. Please help."
Almost immediately these words came into my mind very strongly - "Satan is a defeated foe."
I will share a bit about what I have recently been learning about spiritual forces here, and about my own background. I have learned that getting deliverance through prayer from spiritual forces is only a part of the journey to healing and freedom. The other part of the journey is confronting and exposing the wrong thinking and curses that often comes along with these spiritual forces. Sometimes one event can lead to a host of spiritual forces taking control of a person's mind and each one needs to be dealt with individually, along with the wrong thinking that comes with it.
I have learned that in my family history before my time that there was some form of Satanism which went back generations and had been passed on to me. This Satanism had given evil spirits unlimited access to my inner being as they had legal rights to be there due to generational sin. One thing that has become apparent to me in my study of the Bible over the years is that Satan and his purposes were defeated at the crucifixion of Jesus on the cross. His fate has been sealed and his time of destruction will come. I believe that he knows this and is miserable beyond words about this fact - so his whole purpose is to take as many people with him as he can to destruction to share in his misery because as the old saying goes - "Misery loves company."
Because Satan is an eternally defeated foe who is fighting a battle against God he can never win, and because generational sin had given legal rights for Satanic spiritual forces to take over in my life, I realized that I was under the curse of being a defeated foe myself. Once I realized this, I prayed against it and began to declare victory over myself saying things like "I am an overcomer" and "I am not defeated, I am victorious and amazingly strong to have survived this long under this curse". I began to see change almost immediately. Slowly but surely I have begun to see self belief grow where self doubt, negativity and defeatism always used to be. I am beginning to feel a little more confident when it comes to dealing with customers at my work, because now that the curse has been brought to the light and broken, I am slowly beginning to realize that I can win and stand my ground and that my opinion deserves to be respected - and that sometimes other people have to back down to me.
The reason I am sharing all of this so openly is because I believe that there is great power in sharing stories such as mine because all too often this kind of thing is not talked about in daily life - not even in the church. I am grateful I have the Holy Spirit and have learned to understand spiritual forces and the way that they work because whether we like it or not, we are all living in a spiritual universe and spiritual forces are around us and influencing our daily lives. If we deny this and say that these forces do not exist because you can't see them, it's the same as denying the wind - it is there, it does influence your life and you can definitely feel it, so it is certainly real even if we can't see it and to deny the wind is real would be unwise as all of the evidence proves otherwise.
If I had not learned about this curse that was haunting my every footstep and had breakthrough from it I would have spent the rest of my life trying to find answers as to what was causing this and getting nowhere - which would have led to an ever decreasing state of mental well being for me over the years. No psychologist or therapist could have told me that this was what was happening to me and causing all of these problems, and I certainly could not have found the answer in medication of any sort - be that prescription medication or more unhealthy forms such as addictive behavior. Satan is legalistic and he loves to hide in the dark and unknown parts of our minds and hearts, where him and his forces can operate unseen without people even realizing. If I had never had this revelation he would have continued to work against me in my life and caused me even more continued misery, bitterness and frustration over the years. Once I brought these things into the light and confessed them, they lost their power over me and I began to walk in the freedom I have always deserved.
My question to you is this - have you ever felt like I did in some form? It might not look the same as it did for me, but have you ever felt that there are things in your life that are greatly holding you back but you just cannot define what they are, and therefore cannot break free of them? I would encourage you to seek out answers with God and seek to learn about the spiritual reality that we all live in. You may find the answers you have been looking for in there, and find the freedom you've longed for.
Take care.
