Climbing the mountain

This is something that's been on my mind ever since I've been a Christian, which is about 10 years or so now. I haven't blogged for a while as I really haven't had much to say over the last month or so but I think now is a good time to get back into it.

Walking with God is a lot like climbing a mountain - a very, very tall one, made even taller if you've needed the amount of cleansing and healing that I have. It's hard work and takes a lot out of you. You can't possibly do it all in one day as it's just too far to go - nor can you just power to the top of it. It's got to be slow and methodical - one step after another.

The hardest part about climbing is that it's all uphill. The obstacles seem to be endless and often treacherous. I've never climbed a huge mountain such as Everest, but I can imagine. Often it's hard, slow and tedious, especially if you get caught in bad weather. There are times when there are obstacles up ahead which you just know you don't have any strength left to face that day so you need to learn to put them aside and wait until you have more energy the following day to attempt them.

What I can imagine would be one of the hardest parts of climbing a huge mountain is how easy it can be to forget just how far you've come. It's so easy to make your focus the destination that you forget to truly appreciate the journey and the character and determination it's building into you. You're so focused on getting to the top that you forget to realize just how much ground you've already covered. That's one of those times when you've got to learn to turn and look at the view for a moment and remind yourself of this fact. It's also a way to encourage yourself and give yourself further reason not to give up, while still maintaining an awareness of just how much further you have to go. That's when you've got to say "this view now is amazing, I've done so well to climb this far. Imagine what the view from the top is going to be like!"

My journey with God to strength and healing has been a lot like this. The deeper I have gone into my own darkness with God, the higher I have climbed towards the spiritual pinnacle I am aiming for. Somedays it feels like you are just pushing through endless darkness and getting nowhere for the second you break through one obstacle and move forwards with joy you slam straight into another one. However, there are times where I've found I've been able to get a glimpse into just how far I've climbed - such as when I face a situation that used to tie me in knots with anxiety and now doesn't bother me at all. These are the little spiritual plateaus I find myself coming to where I can just stop climbing for a second and appreciate the view.

There are days when I just feel like quitting altogether and saying "to hell with it all, I've been climbing this bloody thing forever and I feel like I've gone about 5 metres. Why do I bother? Being at the bottom seems a far easier place to be". These are the times when my climbing rope that I am eternally attached to grabs hold of me and supports me and gives me the strength to go on. That climbing rope is the Holy Spirit who recognizes when I am too exhausted to climb and just holds me up for a time, all the while encouraging me to keep going with inspiring words about how many obstacles I've overcome so far. Without Him, I'd either give up and climb back down or fall to my certain death.

My encouragement to you out there who are struggling with a similar journey is this - listen to your spiritual climbing rope and let Him carry you when you're no longer able to climb. But don't give up. Take a moment to remember the plateaus you've encountered throughout your uphill spiritual battle. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and do not let go of that rope, even though the rope will never let go of you. You think the plateaus you've reached now are grand? Wait till you get to the top. The views will be magnificent.

Don't give up. It's all going to be worth it in the end. Keep climbing.

God bless.

"But they might not like me..."

One of the biggest things I've had to learn in my rehab time is that you cannot get people to like you all of the time, and that there are sometimes things that you need to do and say which will hurt others, but just because you are hurting someone else doesn't always mean that it's the wrong thing to do.

The bible says that hating someone is the same as murdering them in your heart. One of the biggest lies I have believed is that if I was rejected, disliked or hated by anyone else, it would basically be the end of my life in a literal sense. Internally, I would feel like I was dying as a result of the actions of others. Though I believe the biblical verse is true, I think that statement more applies to those who do the hating rather than those who are hated, as those who do the hating have to live with murder in their hearts as a result of their choice to hate another person.

God disciplines people, and discipline hurts. But it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing. The truth hurts. Beware the kisses of an enemy more than the harsh words of a friend. There are people who deeply hate and resent God for who He is. But their hatred does not define who God is. God does not want to be hated. But He is a lover of truth and truth is more important than being liked. Their hatred cannot kill Him. They can hate Him all they want, but He's still going to be strong regardless of their feelings.

As I've begun to break through the lies that have kept me in prison for so long I have begun to learn to be more honest with people and less afraid to tell them the truth. I've had conversations with people that I've literally been putting off for years because I didn't have the balls to say anything until now. Some people may not like me as a result of what I've said. Not long ago, the knowledge that I was disliked because of something I said or did was so defeating and depressing I would have collapsed internally until such a time as I was able to apologize profusely in order to rectify the situation. Because I am learning to be stronger in myself, I can now honestly say I don't care anywhere near as much. I go by the conviction of the Holy Spirit and when He moves me to apologize, I will. But I am not going to apologize for something I've said or done simply because guilt and negativity tries to overwhelm me and tell me that I need to. That's not conviction at all and chances are if you feel like that about something you've done, you've done the right thing.

You don't influence the world around you by getting everyone to like you all of the time. Lots of people hated Jesus because of who He was. But it didn't stop Him. The fact that they hated Him means that He was having an effect on people's lives because He wasn't afraid to tell them the truth. Everyone likes a peacemaker and a soothsayer. Not everyone likes someone who comes and hits you with a sledgehammer of truth, as it often hurts like blazes. But the fact is - it's that sledgehammer of truth that changes things and forces people to face up to stuff.

There was a time early in my Christian walk when I deeply resented God for some of the things that happened to me which I did not believe I deserved. They hurt like blazes and I blamed Him for it. But I realize now that the pain of those experiences was the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. It forced me to start facing up to the darkness in my heart and changing my life for the better. Sure, God could have given me everything I "wanted" back then, which of course was an easy ride with no pain or hardship involved. But in the end, it would have destroyed me, as the internal darkness that wasn't getting dealt with would have eaten me alive from within.

God knew I wasn't going to like what He did, and even that I wasn't going to like Him for a while. But that didn't stop Him hitting me with the truth. And I am now glad it happened. I still have a way to go, but I am stronger and wiser than before. God can survive the depth of people's hatred towards Him for telling the truth and not holding back. And God wants to develop our character the same way. To have soft hearts but hard foreheads to take the punches life throws at us for doing the right thing and telling the truth regardless of how it is received.

It's a process, like everything. To begin with, I hated it. But I am slowly learning to embrace it. And I am witnessing a changed heart as a result.

The Traveler

I'm going for a slightly different blog post this time. I want to do something that signifies the end of the road I've been walking, so I've decided to do a prophetic poem about reaching the end of the spiritual wilderness. It's called "The Traveler."

A battered hiking boot scuffs the dry sand as the traveler comes to a stop.

He wipes the sweat and dust from his brow and presses his water bottle to his parched lips.

The liquid trickles down his throat and the sense of refreshment spreads throughout his being.

The end of the road is here at last.

The traveler turns to face the journey he's known for so long.

The only journey he's ever known.

The only road he's ever traveled.

The sun, once blazing overhead, is now setting behind the hills, yet he can still make out the hundreds of miles he has covered in the distance.

Obstacles that once seemed unconquerable, now stand as milestones, far off in the distance, remembered but also forgotten.

He remembers it all so clearly.

He remembers the sun burning his skin and the heat parching his throat.

He remembers the unforgiving hardness of the ground he trod upon, ground he hit in full force and had to painfully drag himself up from once too often.

He remembers the vultures circling, an omen of death, waiting for him to give up on the journey.

He remembers the deep weariness he felt in his very bones.

He remembers looking at the road ahead and thinking it would never end, thinking that the sun would never stop, thinking that the road would be the end of him.

It's all behind him now, and he can't quite believe it.

But he remembers one more thing.

He remembers the One who was with him the whole way.

That still, small voice, giving him the strength to go on.

Even when he was stuck at the foot of an obstacle he thought he'd never get past, the voice was there.

In the hottest part of the day, the voice was there.

In the blackest depth of the night, the voice was there.

When the traveler shook with fear, seethed with anger or boiled over in frustration, the voice was there.

He thought it would never end.

But it has.

He's a new man now.

There's a clarity, a wisdom and a strength about him that was never there before.

He has the long, dusty road to thank for that.

And the One who continued to encourage him to walk down it, even though everything inside him was screaming at him to quit.

As he looks back, there is no weariness in his eyes.

No anger, no resentment, no regret,

Only a sense of peace and calmness he's never truly experienced before.

As he faces the road he's traveled, he utters two simple words, he thought he'd never say when talking about his journey.

"Thank you."

He then turns around and faces forwards with a grin that can barely fit on his face.

The time of darkness is over.

The promised land awaits.

The deception of control

I'm feeling pretty raw about this subject at the moment, which usually means its a good time to blog about it, as rawness usually translates into interesting reading.

One of the most inspirational people in my journey to healing and wholeness has been James Hetfield of Metallica. This guy had everything - millions of dollars, millions of fans, a wife and 4 kids, global fame and recognition, talent, and the ability to do what he loves for a living. And he still had the guts to go into rehab for alcoholism and sort himself out. He came out a totally different man.

One of the main things he spoke about upon returning from recovery was that most of his education in rehab was about giving up the need to control things. He spoke about how he learned to use intimidation and rage to control people and get them to act the way that he wanted them to, and how his focus became about unlearning all of this behavior, which is where he found his healing.

This spoke so much to me. Throughout my own "God-ordered rehabilitation" that I've been going through recently, I've realized just how much of my life has been consumed by the need to control things. One of the main ways I've done this is through passive behavior - being "too nice", if you will. It is easy to pass this off as just being a "laid-back person" or a "peacekeeper" but in reality, for me it has been a constant sense of manipulation based in fear.

I thought if I could control myself completely, then I could control the actions of those around me. I thought that if I used passive behavior, I could control the actions of those around me to make them act how I wanted them to. Intimidation was never going to work as I'm not the biggest person around physically, so passive behavior seemed the way to go. I began to see this work in different areas of my life, which gave me confirmation to build my entire life around it as I believed that it could keep me safe.

In reality, this was all a lie. I see now that I cannot control or change the actions of others. Though I may think that I am safe, all it would take is a tornado or something to destroy my house and belongings to make me realize my own fragile mortality and shatter my little bubble of control. I could be the nicest person in the world, and that still couldn't stop some people from wanting to tear me to pieces. In fact, it may even encourage them to do it even more, as you don't win respect by being a doormat.

My healing and wholeness is not going to come from being able to control and sit on top of my own emotions and the entire world around me in some kind of place of power or authority, as that's just like trying to sit on top of a rug with thousands of mice under it - it's not going to stay still and they are going to be constantly running out from underneath you. Trying to stay up there is just futile and a waste of time. My healing is going to come from me learning to completely accept that I cannot control everything, least of all people - and that I'm not going to die if someone has a go at me and hurts me because I'm not striving to overcome them.

That has been a huge lie I've believed as well - that I couldn't survive the inevitable feeling of vulnerability that comes from realizing that you can't control things. I've realized that although I may feel like I'm dying inside, those feelings are just telling lies as in reality I am still standing and still walking. The only prison I am in, is the prison of fear itself. I am an overcomer. I've faced years of hardship, failed relationships, a bleeding stomach ulcer that nearly had me bleeding to death, months of unemployment and had to break through some very dark strongholds in my own life. I've shed blood, sweat and tears into my Christian walk over the last ten years and I have the scars, the wisdom and the grey hairs to prove it. No matter what happens, I'll keep on getting back up.

Complete control of our world is a lie. Only God can do that and He asks us to put our trust in Him that even though we don't know what's going to happen, with Him guiding us, whatever pitfalls we may face, He'll see us through.

Take care.

If you love something, let it go

I want to talk a bit this week about this most irritating saying and why although it is deeply frustrating, it is also full of truth and very necessary.

This saying used to really frustrate me something serious. It just never seemed to make any sense. "If I love something, why on earth should I let it go? Then it might leave and never come back, and then I'll lose it and be miserable and depressed and never find anything like it again, then I'll die! Screw it. I'm never going to let it go then. It'll stay here with me forever, where it's safe!"

It always seemed like a bit of a backwards theory to me. I had many things in my life that I held onto with an iron grip and just refused to let them go. People and relationships were a big issue for me when it came to this. I would literally hold onto people long after they wanted me to and would continue to try and resurrect friendships that were already dead - even people that I hadn't spoken to for years. No doubt I had a few people wondering to themselves - "Why on earth is Graham trying to contact me? I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years!"

I also used to put marriage and intimacy on an enormous pedestal when I was younger. I honestly saw it as the final solution to all of my problems and that if that was to just happen for me, I would be happy and never have to feel alone or afraid again because marriage was going to be perfect and full of love all the time, right? There was no such thing as problems and animosity in marriage, was there? My wife would complete me, right? All would be "happily ever after", right? Wrong.

I've never been married, of course. But my thoughts towards the subject - as well as the subject of relationships - have changed drastically over the last few years. I have realized that my obsessive need to hold onto people and never let them go came from a deeply withheld insecurity within my own life - and that my obsessive fantasies regarding marriage and intimacy stemmed from the exact same insecurity. In a sense - I wanted to use people as drugs to numb my feelings and block out my insecurities so that I wouldn't have to face them.

I now see that my insecurities would have actually turned marriage into a living hell, as eventually the honeymoon period would have worn off and my wife would lose the ability to "keep me medicated" so to speak whenever some kind of argument or anything rose up between us, which of course would inevitably happen. Then I'd realize I was stuck in a commitment with someone who could no longer help me to keep my insecurities contained, which would inevitably translate into depression.

This insecurity has already killed countless relationships in my life through my obsessive need to control the friendship and keep it alive no matter what, as well as obsessing over every minor detail and going into a panic mode if something didn't quite add up properly. Simply put - people would get tired of me. And who could blame them? I was tiring.

I have realized that if I want to truly be able to appreciate either a friend or a romantic relationship, I need to be able to come to a place of complete strength and wholeness within my own inner being, so that I can look upon others as people with flaws and insecurities like myself and not as drugs to be used to help me to block out my feelings. When I can look at a girl who really gets my heart racing - and yet remain strong enough in myself to be objective and able to be honest with her and myself about the relationship and whether or not I believe it will work, is when I will be far more able to appreciate it without building up a whole lot of unreasonable expectations which will no doubt destroy me (and her too).

If I can let her go - and truly accept that she may not come back if I do this, and be strong enough in myself to accept that as truth and be ready to completely move on without her if she doesn't come back - then I believe I will be ready to have a relationship which will truly bless both parties and won't turn a dream of mine into a nightmare.

I guess my message in all of this is that we need to be prepared to let go of the things that we love if we truly want to be able to appreciate them properly. I believe God wants us to stand strong on our own first, and once that has happened, we'll be able to see relationships properly and therefore be able to join our souls with another. So if you've battled with insecurity and it's affecting your relationships and turning you obsessive as it has done me - learn to deal with it before it turns your dreams into nightmares as it so often has done for mine.

Peace out, all.

Wants and needs

There is a substantial difference between things in our lives that we want and things that we need. We may think that we "need" something, but in actual fact what we truly need can be something else entirely.

I have been challenged on this a lot over the past few weeks. Over the last few months I have been reading passages from the Word For Today (A Christian daily devotional book) talking about a change in times and seasons which I felt spoke to me that change of sorts was on the horizon for me. I've also had friends speak over my life saying the same thing. In my heart, I agreed with what they said and I began to imagine what I thought this change that may be coming into my life might look like.

I had a few different ideas as to what I thought I "needed" this change to be. I never for a second imagined that the change that was heading my way involved having a complete nervous breakdown, having to resign from my job as a result and go on the sickness benefit to support myself financially. This certainly was not the change that I was hoping for, or "wanted". There were times when I found myself very angry at the changes that had taken place and wished I had done something to prevent them.

However, as time has passed over this last 5 weeks or so that I have been off work, I've come to realize that as hard as this has been, this has been the change that I have really "needed" as I have gained some amazing insight into things I have struggled with for years and as a result I am feeling much freer and stronger within myself than I ever have before. I can honestly say that the changes that have come into my life that I initially didn't "want" have become the best thing that has ever happened to me in my 27 and a half years on this planet.

It has been extremely difficult to face this and it has tested me to the very core of my being, which has been very painful - but as I have begun to realize - what is the alternative? I have gained insight into deep and powerful tensions that have kept me as an internal prisoner for my entire life which I would never have gained if none of this had ever happened to me. Sure, I could have received my "wants" and had a nice easy ride, continuing to skim over the surface of what was happening deep within my own heart - but the alternative would have been that the unresolved issues would slowly have gnawed away at me from the inside out and worn out my ability to truly appreciate and enjoy the good things that I know are headed for me in the future. My "wants" could easily have destroyed me. Fortunately, God ignored my wants and focused on what I truly needed in my life.

I shudder when I look back on my life and think of all the things I have "wanted" over the years and have become very angry at God, others and myself when I have not received. I realize now that if all of my "wants" had been met, I would not be the person I am today and I certainly would not be coming into the place of strength and clarity I am slowly approaching at the moment. It has been a very hard road at times - especially recently - but the alternative, though it looks smoother and happier, would have left me in a far worse state than what I am in now.

It can be a very difficult place to be in when you look around at the lives of those around you and especially at how the world values "success" these days. It's all about having the fastest car, the biggest house, the largest salary and so on. I wanted to live a life like this and I have found it incredibly frustrating at times to be living in what appears to be a great sense of poverty while others appear to have things so much easier just because they have material wealth and high paying jobs. It can seem like it's a waste of time being where you are. But let me ask you this - how many of those people use their possessions to compensate for a lack of emotional strength and character in their lives, and would be reduced to nothing if they lost everything they had "wanted"? That's a very shallow way to live life and a very unstable foundation to base everything on.

When push comes to shove, you see what you're made of. And although it's hard, I am being strengthened in the core of my inner man. So when push inevitably comes to shove in my future, I will be stronger than ever when it comes to dealing with it, because of this time I am going through at the moment where my "wants" have been put aside by God because He cares enough to give me what I truly need.

Take care.

Facing the unknown

What separates a strong, confident and able person from a weak, timid and fearful one? What is possibly the most frightening and subsequently challenging position we can find ourselves in as human beings? For the other blokes out there - what is the difference between being a boy and being a man?

I believe it all comes down to this - how we deal with the unknown factors in our lives - either in our external circumstances or buried deep within our own hearts.

Knowledge is power. This statement is very true. There is safety, strength and confidence in knowledge. However, knowledge can also be a cover up for some of the deepest character flaws we experience as human beings. For example - there can be people who are deeply afraid of confrontation of any kind, however when it comes to scolding their children or someone they perceive to be weaker than themselves, they have no problem initiating the confrontation whatsoever and sometimes even revel in it. Simply put - they are using their knowledge that their children are weaker than them and dependent on them to get an emotional release as well as cover up their need to face that part of themselves they wish to avoid.

Facing the truly unknown can be terrifying, to say the least. The most important thing about the unknown of any sort is not so much what we expect to face out there in the darkness where the light of knowledge does not yet shine - but what we will face within ourselves when exposed to unknown circumstances that have the potential to frighten us.

We are not encouraged to go deep within ourselves when it comes to facing circumstances we already know and understand. Facing the truly unknown takes away all of our shallow sense of emotional security and strips us right back to the very core of who we are as people and forces us to ask ourselves - do I believe in myself? Do I trust myself - and God - that I can boldly walk into the darkness and face and overcome what I find there? Do I have enough self belief and self confidence to be able to boldly tread where I have never tread before, relying on nothing but my own ability to face what I find out there? Do I believe that I can turn the unknown into the known and that I can be strong and insistent enough to be able to not give up on making this happen and run back to the already lit areas of my life, where it's safe?

The unknown is a breeding ground for fear, as it is knowledge that nips fear in the bud and stops it in its tracks. When we intentionally walk into the unknown, often our deepest fears begin to arise from the deepest core of our being. However we are not able to crush them with knowledge as we are walking into a dark and unknown environment where we have nothing to rely on except our own strength and confidence. Though this is a frightening place to be, it can also be one of the most enlightening and healing places to be - if we face it the right way.

When our deepest fears arise due to unknown circumstances, we cannot run away from them as more often than not, God has orchestrated what we are facing in our circumstances in order to get us to face the truth about ourselves. Every fear is like a weed that grows up inside of us - we can cut the top off it, but it will just keep on growing back. It needs to be pulled out at the root in order to rid ourselves of it completely and replace that fear with peace. The root of the fear is what hurts the most to feel our way into - but it is a necessary part of healing it if we want to walk free of it.

I still struggle with facing the unknown as I still find it difficult to have faith in myself to overcome anything I might find out there and actually trust that I have the strength and capacity to deal with anything - even if I don't know what it is yet. I am not there yet. But I am facing the unknown circumstances in my life at the moment with far more peace and faith in God and myself than ever before and that is due to pulling the fears out at the roots that previous unknown experiences have brought me into. It is hard work. But I am getting there. I am beginning to learn what it means to be a man - facing the unknown with an attitude of "bring it on, I'll stare you down, I can overcome anything" rather than running from it timidly.

It is necessary for us to learn to face the darkness both externally and within ourselves as if we just shrink back in fear all of the time, we are cutting ourselves off from what could be some of the greatest experiences we could ever have, and receiving some amazing gifts God and other people have to give us - if we could only get over our fear of the unknown and step out into it anyway.

It is a process to overcome. And it takes times. And at times, it hurts like blazes. But it is working. I am more grateful for unknown circumstances than ever before as they are helping me to get to know someone I need to know more than anyone in the world - myself.

I hope this speaks to someone out there. Take care and God bless.