Being called to the depths

Life - especially life as a Christian - is not always easy. But what does it mean when we are constantly faced with difficult and trying circumstances, and you feel as if the worst aspects of yourself are being constantly exposed? How are we supposed to navigate our way through this time, especially when it seems to drag on for years on end, and every "light at the end of the tunnel" appears to be a false dawn?

Over the last 12 years I have faced seemingly endless struggles within my life. It all started when I moved to Taupo in 2009 and took a job selling cellphones at a local retailer. To say that it was the worst job I've ever had in my life would be an understatement. The job paved the way for my breakdown two years later. Though there has been improvement since then, I've never really been able to move on from the very deep place I found myself walking into. 

Recently I was watching a documentary called Secrets of the Titanic. It was about finding and exploring the wreck of the Titanic at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. This was a challenging task -  they didn't know exactly where the ship was, so it took a long time to find it. When they eventually did find the wreck, in order to explore it they had to pilot a tiny submarine to the very bottom of the Atlantic. It was a very dangerous environment as visibility in the submarine was very limited, plus the water pressure on the submarine was also huge - 2.5 tonnes per square inch. If the hull failed, the crew would have been instantly killed.

I felt God speaking to me about the time I had walked through over the last 12 years while I was watching this documentary. I felt He said to me that the time spent at Faith Bible College had been a time of construction. After that, when I did my first trip to USA - it was like I was being tested out in shallower waters to get a feel for things. But when the real call of God came to move to Taupo and take the job selling phones in 2009 - it was the beginning of being called down to the depths. Here are some of the lessons I have learned.

1. The pressure you are under when you are called to the depths with God is insane.

I knew straight away this new job was a poor fit for me. I am an introvert by nature, and back then I was struggling with overwhelming internal problems, so going into a work environment where I was dealing with hostile customers and staff on a face to face basis was not a good fit for me. From the first few weeks of being there, I wanted out. I tried to find another job, but it didn't happen, so I tried to make the best of where I was and hoped to succeed.

One day God told me that I was not going to succeed in the role, as that wasn't His plan for me. This knowledge added even more pressure. I had people asking me "why you don't just go and get another job?" -  but I knew that I couldn't as I was still meant to be where I was. 

I did eventually leave this job after a very long 6 months, but the pressure never really subsided -  I went into my next role not knowing that I was on the path to burnout. In 2011 I hit rock bottom and had to quit the role I was doing at the time, and eventually I had to leave the city and move in with family while I recovered. I eventually got another full time job several years later - but it didn't work out. This pattern of short term living environments and jobs continued for many years after this.

2009 was the beginning of walking into the place of "crush depth", and it would continue for many years to come. Every time it looked like I was coming out of that place, I'd just end up at the bottom again, as there was still more exploration to do. I have chosen to name this place "crush depth" because it honestly felt like being at the bottom of the ocean in a submarine with tonnes of water pressure on you at any moment.

2. There's no light at the very bottom.

The entire 12 years I've been in this season, it's like there's been no sense of guidance or direction at all, and the few times that it has come, it's only illuminated the path a few feet in front of me. There's been times when I felt as if I was going nowhere, and there's been times I've felt lead to go and do things that didn't make any sense at all - such as to take a new permanent full time job, only to be asked by God to resign from it just a few months later in order to go into full time ministry in another city. Often, if questioned why I did certain things, the only answer I could give was that "I was lead by God to do this".

Watching this documentary on discovering the Titanic wreck made me realize just how deep that part of the ocean really is. It is pitch black down there - sunlight doesn't get anywhere near it. The submarine has a few lamps to help navigate but relies heavily on SONAR and advanced compass systems to find its way around. I realized that this also spoke to my journey in the sense that the only navigation system I had in this place of intense depth and pressure was the Holy Spirit. 

I would wonder sometimes if I was heading down the wrong path. But I learned to become familiar with God's SONAR system in my spirit that would clearly tell me if I was going the wrong way, and I had to learn that even if I couldn't see a thing in front of me, I had to trust that I was being lead in the right direction. Things often didn't turn out the way that I wanted or expected. Despite the number of setbacks I experienced - I knew I had no choice but to keep going.

3. It's up to you how long you stay in that place.

A wreck as historically important as the wreck of the Titanic could not go unexplored. There has been strong interest in the wreck since it sunk in 1912. There were many expeditions sent out to find it which were unsuccessful. Once they finally found the wreck, the hard work had only just begun. The wreck had to be thoroughly explored, documented and photographed. They did not stop until their mission was complete.

I realized into this 12 year journey that I had to explore the darkest parts of my heart and that I could only do it while in this place of great depth. I couldn't come back up until the work was done. I could choose not to face what I was being called to face in this time - but that would only make the time spent in this place carry on even longer. The Holy Spirit would always be bringing things to the surface in my heart that were brought up by the high pressure circumstances I was always under, and I knew that I had to examine them and deal with them when they arose. Once one thing was done - it'd be straight onto the next thing. 

I knew that if I was to leave this place eventually, it would not happen until I was ready - and that I wouldn't be ready until I had learned everything that I was meant to learn. I learned to look inwards about things first and foremost whenever challenging circumstances arose to see if there was anything in me that first needed to change. I learned to see this time as a place of deep refinement and personal growth, and to allow my flaws to come to the surface and explore them as they arose, as this brought healing and breakthrough. 

For example - it was revealed to me how much I struggled with perfectionism and wanting to be right all of the time. As I examined this I realized perfectionism came from a lack of understanding about grace, which was connected to wrong thinking about who I believed I was in God. This type of self examination was the way that I was able to start moving in the direction God wanted me to go during this time. After a while I began to see the progress from doing this - anxiety and distress were slowly replaced by peace and calmness, one small piece at a time.

4. God will lead you out at the right time and will restore back to you what was lost.

For the first time since I've been walking in this deep place, recently I have truly begun to sense that it was coming to an end. For one, 12 is an important Biblical number - it is considered a perfect number, and stands for God's power and authority, as well as completeness. The job selling mobile phones in Taupo started at the end of May in 2009. Funnily enough, around the same time in 2021 I began a new project in my current job where it involved working with mobile phones - meeting with users face to face to help to set their new mobile phones up and performing upgrades.

After 12 years in the dark at crush depth, God has lead me back to where it all began - and shown me the huge distance I had covered within that time. I'm now doing a very similar job as I was 12 years ago but I'm coping with it far better due to the spiritual and mental place I am now in. I have a sense of peace and calmness that I never had before. I can honestly say that I love my job these days. I felt God say to me that I was beginning to leave the place of crush depth, and that He wanted me to go out on a high note. Being able to say that I have finally succeeded in a field that sent me on a downward spiral to burnout was certainly a high note indeed.

I hope this has encouraged you somewhat. If you find yourself in that crushing place of pressure, where there seems to be no light to guide you, and no sense that it will ever end - keep going. Keep working on yourself. Keep being faithful. Keep trusting God, and listening to His leading. It won't last forever. You'll come to the top eventually, carrying amazing records and treasures from your time in the dark, crushing depths.

Take care.

The Mocking Spirit

 This is something I am only just learning about, but I have seen it at work throughout my entire life in various forms. I am writing this blog to attempt to bring clarity on how this spirit works in the hope that it will bring healing, understanding and breakthrough to those who are oppressed by it.

The concept of sowing and reaping is one that is central to the Bible. When a man sows seed into a field, he will reap a harvest of what he's sown - if he has sown good seed, he will reap a good crop. If he has sown bad seed, he will either reap a poor crop or nothing at all. But what happens when these scenarios appear to be reversed? What happens when one who constantly and tirelessly sows good seed seemingly reaps nothing but barrenness, while those who sow bad seed either reap great crops, or are somehow able to steal the good crop from under the nose of the one who has sown the good seed?

Throughout my life I have seen this at work regularly, and to say it has been infuriating would be an understatement. I have been following in the Christian faith for 19 years. Throughout that time I have learned to put God first and to obey Him unconditionally, regardless of the cost - and believe me, the cost has been high. I have lost jobs, friendships, relationships, finances, time, living environments, privacy and health for the sake of obedience. The harvest that I have reaped has been sparingly little in comparison to what I have sown, and it has honestly felt like all the sowing I have done has just been throwing seed onto a barren field, where birds peck at all of the seeds and eat them so I am left with no choice but to gather more seed to sow.

I have also seen this work in reverse when it comes to people around me. I have seen selfish, narcissistic people who have entered into Godless relationships that God specifically told me to warn them not to get into (something which even their close friends would admit) and their response to my warning was to ignore it and carry on with their selfish desires. The harvest they have reaped has appeared to be very blessed and they are still together years later. I have also seen a vain, haughty and arrogant person take a permanent full time job that I believe God wanted me to have - and once they got this job, team up with somebody else in that department to target me with harassment. I ended up having to leave the company altogether as my fixed term contract came to an end, while these two smug, unpleasant individuals remain in their jobs and are able to continue to be nasty towards others together.

I have also seen many, many promises from God go blatantly unfulfilled - promises such as financial miracles, a permanent living environment, permanency and stability in my circumstances. The entire time I have seen all of this it has literally felt at times like Satan himself is staring me in the face and laughing at me - "ha ha ha, I keep taking away what's meant to be yours and there's nothing you can do about it! I win and you lose yet again! ha ha ha!" It has honestly made me so angry and frustrated I've just wanted to lash out but there's no one and nothing I can ever lash out at, so I am forced to keep my frustration to myself. It's just seemed so unfair - how can this be? How am I continually losing and wicked, selfish people are allowed to prosper in their blatant disobedience? How are these people continually allowed to take the blessings that were meant to be rightfully mine, and keep them for themselves without any consequences whatsoever?

My frustration was hitting nuclear levels until God finally gave me the word - The Mocking Spirit. I realized through prayer and intercession that a mocking spirit's purpose is to distort the concept of sowing and reaping so that it appears that sowing good seed reaps nothing but a bad harvest, and that sowing bad seed will reap a good harvest. The mocking spirit will literally stand and taunt, tease and insult those who follow in God's footsteps with unconditional obedience as I have - the "man" in the Godless relationship I mentioned earlier saw fit to mock me in person about the fact that he was getting married to this woman whom God told him through me not to marry, when I was in the bridal party at someone else's wedding. He was taunting and mocking me just to try and upset me as much as possible, laughing at the fact that he got what he wanted and could ignore God's warning seemingly without consequences.

The mocking spirit targets those who are obedient and do what God has called them to do. 

If you are prepared to sit on your laurels and never do anything for God, never trust Him enough to pursue radical obedience, and never truly take up your cross and follow Him regardless of the cost - the mocking spirit will leave you well alone, because why should it bother with you? You're not doing anything it doesn't like. If you are obedient and truly take up your cross and follow God regardless of the consequences as I have done - it will come after you. It will do and use anything it can to taunt, mock and ridicule you - especially if you've been called to speak the truth and draw a line in the sand about certain things, as I have. It will go out of its way to make sure that you don't see any fruit from your obedience - it will instead ensure that you will receive the opposite, all in the hope that you will give up and stop living radically, and stop following God and obeying him unconditionally.

It is a lying spirit. 

It lies - firstly to you by telling you that your work is fruitless, and it will bring circumstances into your life to make you believe that this is true. It will also lie to others around you to try and get them to believe things about you that aren't true - for existence with this couple I mentioned, many people in the town I used to live in think that by warning them against getting married I am just some selfish, bitter man who didn't get to be with this girl, so therefore I had to try and ruin it for the person who did get to be with her. 

They think I am just this awful, selfish, mean spirited person who's out to sabotage their relationship when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I have the Jeremiah Calling as I have mentioned earlier on this blog which is about speaking hard, brutal truth to people that they don't want to hear, but desperately need to hear regardless. It is an unpopular calling and you end up being hated by those you've spoken the truth to - but someone has to do it, and God chose me to be one of these people. By warning them not to get married I was just doing what God called me to do and speaking out the truth that burned on my heart like a furnace. But because the mocking spirit is making sure these people get to keep persisting in their disobedience, no one has any reason to believe this about me and are allowed to keep on believing lies.

It's whole purpose is to discourage, confuse and frustrate you.

Some of the injustice and frustration I have seen in my life has been enough to nearly send me over the edge. In 2016 I foiled a robbery and was stabbed multiple times, and I now carry scars I must bear for the rest of my life. The youths were arrested, jailed briefly and sent to court - and despite committing such a serious crime, the youths were acquitted without so much as even a criminal record against their name - because their bleating families who lived in Australia "wanted them to be able to come and visit them without any problems". Once again, the spirit of mockery prevails and they got what they wanted and I was denied any justice whatsoever for putting my life on the line. Not to mention they can go and tell their friends that you can literally stab someone with a knife and get away with it without so much as a criminal record.

This was like a hammer blow to my spirit and greatly affected my temperament for years on end. I fought this as fiercely as I could by speaking to a senior member of Parliament, contacting the Ministry of Justice, speaking of course directly to the judge himself and even trying to get on a nationwide talk show to discuss my experience - they were very interested in talking to me, until they heard that I was a Christian, then they curiously lost interest. I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was a gross miscarriage of justice aimed squarely against me, and nobody cared. Once again, the mocking spirit wins. This was all a specific assignment of harassment set up to hurt me as much as possible.

The first key to dealing with it is identification.

If you are reading this and can relate to what I've been saying - you are not crazy and it's not just life being mean and unfair. You need to see this for what it is - a deliberate assignment against you of targeted harassment designed to upset you, steal from you, frustrate you and confuse you. Once this has been identified you need to pray and ask God if there is anything that gives the mocking spirit legal rights to remain in your life - if there is any unconfessed sin be it either intentional, unintentional or generational. 

It could be that back in your generational lines someone has sinned in a specific way that has allowed the mocking spirit to take over and distort the biblical concept of sowing and reaping in your life. You will need to seek God for yourself about this. It could also be that it is not connected to you personally in any way, but that it has a presence in the life of someone around you and it has decided to target you through that person. If this is the case, then you need to pray for them and pray specifically against the mocking spirit in their life and pray that it is no longer allowed to continue to operate in their life.

In my case I believe the mocking spirit has had legal rights to be over my life due to generational sin that was passed down to me. I firmly believe that had I not identified and corrected this through prayer - nothing would have ever changed for me. I would just keep going round and round in circles in the same wilderness I'd always been in, continually sowing good seed and watching the good seed be robbed from me and given to someone who doesn't deserve it. Nothing would have ever changed for me without identifying this spirit's work in my life. This spirit - like all evil spirits - does not want to be identified. It does its work in darkness and confusion. It doesn't want you to know that it is there, doing its job. It wants you to blame external factors so that it may remain hidden and continually able to do its work undisturbed.

The second key to dealing with it is to replace lies with truth.

Galatians 6:7 says very clearly: "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." So how does this scripture apply in these situations when it appears the mocking spirit is making sure good people reap poor harvests, and vice versa? You must realize that it is simply a deception. This spirit cannot go against the Word of God. It can persist in distorting the reality of sowing and reaping for a time - especially if it has legal rights to be present in someone's life - however this time simply cannot last forever. The time will always come when God will say "enough" and will bring about the true sowing and reaping promised in His word. Sometimes this may not happen for years, and the person who has seen the constant injustice may never see retribution this side of eternity. But it will happen. 

The mocking spirit tries to tell you that Satan has won, that you've lost, and that's the end of it. But it's NOT the end. God is telling you that He has won the victory, and that though these evil things may persist for a time, the end to these things will come because He says so in His Word. And to those who smugly continue in disobedience while the mocking spirit feeds them whatever they want - once the mocking spirit is done using them to torment the people it is targeting, it will discard them and send them into utter chaos and ruin. Once again, this may take years. But it will happen. Despite what the mocking spirit will tell you - God is still on the throne and He will not give His kingdom to another. 

This blog may come across as exceedingly bitter and frustrated. I have forgiven those who have wronged me and whom the mocking spirit has used to keep me in poverty, injustice and frustration, because I am at long last able to see clearly what has been truly going on. However I was exceedingly angry and bitter about all of this for many many years because I simply didn't understand or realize what was going on, even though I knew in the core of my being something was terribly wrong over my life. I have expressed my past bitterness honestly and accurately in this blog to showcase just how real this spirit's work over my life has been and just how deeply harmful it has been towards me and towards others. Now that it has finally been identified and prayed against I am fully believing for and expecting breakthrough and significant circumstantial change for me.

I hope this has encouraged some of you out there. If you can relate to what I am saying, please be aware that you are not alone. There is hope for you. You may not see it at this point in time, but it is there. God will come through for you. Justice will be done in your life. Your sowing is not in vain. Even if you are reaping a poor harvest on Earth - God is aware of your struggles and your sacrifices, and you will reap a grant harvest in eternity - where it really counts.

Take care.