If there is one subject I am qualified to write about, it's this one.
The wilderness is a very important place in biblical terms. It's a place of hardship, of death, of struggling to survive, living rough, having your needs met but only barely. There's no abundance, there's no luxury, there's no real blessings, just the bare essentials to keep you from freezing and/or starving to death. Every day is a battle. It's a notoriously unforgiving environment. It's also often associated with the number 40, which is the biblical number of trials and testing. The Israelites walked in the desert for 40 years after their exodus from Egypt. Noah spent 40 days adrift in the ark with all of the animals (mate, that must have reeked after that long). Even Jesus Himself spent 40 days in the desert without food or water, as this was his time of trial.
I lived in Taupo for nearly three and a half years. This time was by far the hardest season I'd ever had in my entire life. From the day that I arrived there, things went bad immediately. I showed up at my job the following day to find out I'd been made redundant before I even set foot in the door. I was fortunate to receive a large payout, but I had rent to pay so that began to decrease rather quickly due to the fact that I was now without a job (through no fault of my own). I eventually ended up having to apply for the unemployment benefit. Finally, after being out of work for 4 months I took a job doing outbound sales at a local phone store which didn't suit me at all and by all accounts, absolutely knocked the stuffing out of me.
After 6 months there I got a new job at Lake Taupo Christian Camp which was a blessing. What I didn't realize at the time was that the damage had already been done and I had already begun my downward spiral before I even started this new job. A few months into the job God put it on my heart that I was to write a book, which I set about with fervent abandon. Then, me and my flatmate were forced to move due to violent neighbours keeping us awake all night with their domestic disputes. Despite several calls to the landlord, nothing changed, so we left and moved into our new house which was much nicer.
All was going well until 2011 when I began to find myself getting more and more tired. I began to take more and more sick days simply because I was no longer coping. The long hours of writing and the busyness of my job were taking their toll and my downward spiral was now in full swing. Once mid 2011 rolled around, the downward spiral accelerated partly due to God's intervention through social circumstances but also due to some physical health issues that had begun to show themselves. By August 2011, I'd hit burnout and sunk as low as I could sink. Once I hit the bottom, I bounced and began my journey back upwards to health and well being again - not to mention I now had an amazing conclusion to my book. Fast forward a few jobless months later and we were once again forced to leave our living environment and I moved into a place that turned out to be just plain bad - which God used to signal the end of my time in Taupo altogether.
Once I moved back to Tauranga I realized I had been there for nearly 40 months exactly. I was so angry and bitter at how badly things had turned out there and how it had just been one bad thing after another with fortunate breaks in between at times before the next onslaught of bad stuff hit me. This time was my wilderness time. It was awful. It destroyed me completely. It changed me - forever. And this is what I learned about the wilderness.
When God leads you into the wilderness, He will provide for you - but only just. I was fortunate to be blessed with amazing people that genuinely cared for me in my living environment from the time I got to Taupo till about 2 months before I left. The people I lived with played a big part in my recovery from burnout just by caring for me and allowing me to continue to live with them despite the very bad shape I was in. God also provided for me in terms of other good friends both inside and outside of church who were a big help to me. He also provided for me by speaking to my heart in 2009 telling me to start saving money which turned out to be a big help once I was out of work. My most basic needs were definitely met - but only just. Everything else was just plain hard work.
The wilderness is a place of death. In 2011, everything died for me. I lost my job, my health and I came very close to losing my own life as a result of what happened to me. Everything changed from this point on. Friendships that I thought were going to be long term came to a sudden end or were at the very least, fatally wounded and took some time to bleed out. Going through something as severe as burnout deeply changes who a person is. I had always been the super nice, passive guy who wanted to be best friends with everyone. After burnout, this philosophy was completely turned on its head. I began standing up to people and telling them that their behavior was unacceptable and hurting others. Due to this, a lot of people got fed up with the fact that I didn't fit in their pocket anymore and decided they didn't like who I was becoming. I also realized that I was hurting myself by not telling people the truth and not standing up to them when they'd hurt me, which lead to more friendships going downhill as I realized I had to let some people go in order to get well. Doors stopped opening and now started closing. I simply could not get another job in Taupo even once I began to feel well enough to work again. This cycle of doors closing and things dying off continued until I finally learned that my time in Taupo was up and that it was time to leave which wasn't until June 2012.
You can't make the wilderness your home. Most of my bitterness and fury was the fact that due to the good friends and great church I had, I thought Taupo was going to be home. It never was. You can't make a home in the desert. You can't live abundantly in a place of death and dying. You can't live comfortably in a place where your needs are only barely met. I spent so much time working so hard trying to make myself a home in a place that was never meant to be home but a short place to stay in for a season. The harder I tried to make it work, the worse it became and the more despondent I became as a result. The desert isn't there for your comfort. It's a place of spiritual growth forged in hard times. The hard times come from the fact that God wants you there, but the environment itself doesn't want you there. It was pushing with all of its might to get rid of me and get me out of Taupo, yet God wanted me there, so there I stayed, until June 2012 when God clearly instructed me to leave. Once I got back to Tauranga, things started flowing and life began to get easier. The desert was over and good things were coming at last and for once, I didn't have to fight for them.
You don't get over the wilderness overnight. When I arrived back in Tauranga I was emotionally black and blue due to everything that had happened, not to mention severely underweight due to stress and poor eating habits. Only now after being in Tauranga over a year am I beginning to feel like I am finally able to let the wilderness go and put it behind me. It has taken a lot of counseling, a bit more surgery in terms of removing people from my life who were holding me back, a lot of grieving and actually seeing good things happen in Tauranga to help me get to the place where I am now. The wilderness is a brutal environment. It breaks you, it changes you, it forces you to face who and what you really are. It's like having major surgery done on your soul. It hurts, but it's necessary. However, there's also a recovery time before you get back to full strength again. The wilderness hurts - a lot. And, like everything that hurts, it takes time to heal.
When God hasn't lead you there, the wilderness is a dangerous place. The wilderness of Taupo was a place that God called me to, so although it was brutal and hard, He was still there. I have found myself in other places of wilderness in the past - such as several years back when I insisted God give me a job and wouldn't take no for an answer. He said "fine, take it, see what happens." I did - and it was a disaster. God's spirit wasn't with me in that place because I had disobeyed. I found myself in serious trouble health wise just 6 months after taking that job and I was forced to resign. The Holy Spirit later Rhema'd to me that if I had continued to live as I was living, in willful disobedience by refusing to obey His will for my life and taking what I wanted instead - that I would have been dead within two years. That means my book would never have been done and I would never have had the opportunity to make my mark on the world as a result. From that point on, I knew I would never disobey God like that again.
If you find yourself in the wilderness today due to the leading of the Spirit of God, I hope and pray this sheds some light on what may be happening for you. Also remember, if God has lead you there - it won't last forever (there's a good chance that the end will involve the number 40 somehow!!) and if you find yourself in there due to your own doing, perhaps now is the time to do something about it.
Take care.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
It's never the same again
It's been nearly two years since I hit absolute rock bottom with burnout. I'd been told through a prophecy that this was going to happen to me, and to be honest I thought it had happened already. I was wrong. August 7th, 2011 was both the best and worst day of my life. The worst day of my life as I'd sunk lower than I'd ever sunk before - which was a terrifying place to be in. But the best day of my life in the sense that I finally learned about the spiritual ties that had been keeping me bound up and I began to get better for the first time ever.
Ever since then, life has been a slow and steady upward climb. It took me at least two years to get into the place of hitting burnout in the first place, and I was advised that it would take me at least that long again to get back out. There's been some pretty hard stuff that's happened since then - such as the final two months I spent living in Taupo and the time I spent coming down off antidepressant medication - but overall it's been a slow and steady journey back upwards. I'm finally beginning to come back to normality again.
Except that's just the thing - the normality that existed before I went through burnout, is now gone for good and will never return.
Before I went through burnout, I was working long hours at a very busy, demanding job with an hour long commute each day (half an hour each way). I'd come home every evening and write, along with every weekend. Despite the terrible spiritual and emotional burdens I was continually carrying at the time, I still somehow managed to find the energy to keep going - at least for a while.
Oh, how that was to change.
After going through burnout and resigning from my job, I'd be completely exhausted and in need of an afternoon nap after a simple hour long stroll in the sun. This continued for months on end. Even close to a year later, once I shakily started working once again, after three hours cleaning motel rooms I would go home and sleep for two hours just about every day. This continued until I finally began to get my confidence back and realize that I could actually hold down a job, and that I was capable of responsibilities. Once this truth began to sink in I began to feel I had a bit more energy and with continued prayer and emotional support, I continued my journey back to health - or in a lot of ways, my journey to health for the first time.
Nearly two years later, I'm stronger and healthier than ever before. But I've realized that when faced with such a life-defining moment, a moment that literally shatters you to the very core of your being - that things will never really be the same again. I was talking with a friend about it this evening and he likened it to a car that's been in a massive accident - it can be rebuilt, but at the end of the day it's never really going to be the same car. Once something is completely destroyed, a rebuild may get it functional again but it will always be that little bit different.
I can't even imagine doing the working hours these days that I used to do. I get tired just thinking about it. I've realized that I'm a totally different person now than what I used to be. I am far more relaxed and far more balanced but at the same time, I'm even more wary of people than I used to be. I've developed the courage to throw some of the people out of my life who had treated me badly - something I never had the ability to do before. I went from being an incredibly passive person before I went through burnout - to an overly aggressive, confrontational person while I was coming down off the medication. Once that had passed, I began to develop a more balanced, assertive personality. Burnout, in a way, has helped me to gain everything I wanted and needed. But it's cost me everything at the same time. It's made me realize the reality of life and that the consequences of our actions are far reaching and can last a lot longer than we realize.
This whole scenario has caused me to understand what it must have been like for Jesus to go through the crucifixion. It's easy to write it off and say that because He was resurrected, His suffering was over. If anything, it was just the beginning. I believe God's heart is even further burdened these days simply due to the amount of people who reject salvation and ignore the only way to be freed from sin - even though God Himself paid such a high price for that salvation to be achieved. I can't imagine anything more frustrating as a parent (even though I'm not a parent myself) than to see your kids walk in a way you don't want them to go despite the warnings you've given them against it, and despite you paying the price so that they didn't have to.
I remember reading somewhere that the only remnants of sin in Heaven will be the scars on the hands, feet and side of Jesus - to serve as a reminder of the price that was paid in order to get us there. Even in that place of paradise there's still consequences for sin that Jesus has to bear for eternity. I guess one thing I've learned through all of this is the reality of both sin and life altering circumstances - even when forgiveness happens, there's still consequences and things are never really the same. Some of those consequences can be long lasting. Some can even be eternal.
My advice to you, readers, is to think and pray before you act. Some of the things that you do and say may not be so easily reversed and can leave eternal marks behind.
Take care.
Ever since then, life has been a slow and steady upward climb. It took me at least two years to get into the place of hitting burnout in the first place, and I was advised that it would take me at least that long again to get back out. There's been some pretty hard stuff that's happened since then - such as the final two months I spent living in Taupo and the time I spent coming down off antidepressant medication - but overall it's been a slow and steady journey back upwards. I'm finally beginning to come back to normality again.
Except that's just the thing - the normality that existed before I went through burnout, is now gone for good and will never return.
Before I went through burnout, I was working long hours at a very busy, demanding job with an hour long commute each day (half an hour each way). I'd come home every evening and write, along with every weekend. Despite the terrible spiritual and emotional burdens I was continually carrying at the time, I still somehow managed to find the energy to keep going - at least for a while.
Oh, how that was to change.
After going through burnout and resigning from my job, I'd be completely exhausted and in need of an afternoon nap after a simple hour long stroll in the sun. This continued for months on end. Even close to a year later, once I shakily started working once again, after three hours cleaning motel rooms I would go home and sleep for two hours just about every day. This continued until I finally began to get my confidence back and realize that I could actually hold down a job, and that I was capable of responsibilities. Once this truth began to sink in I began to feel I had a bit more energy and with continued prayer and emotional support, I continued my journey back to health - or in a lot of ways, my journey to health for the first time.
Nearly two years later, I'm stronger and healthier than ever before. But I've realized that when faced with such a life-defining moment, a moment that literally shatters you to the very core of your being - that things will never really be the same again. I was talking with a friend about it this evening and he likened it to a car that's been in a massive accident - it can be rebuilt, but at the end of the day it's never really going to be the same car. Once something is completely destroyed, a rebuild may get it functional again but it will always be that little bit different.
I can't even imagine doing the working hours these days that I used to do. I get tired just thinking about it. I've realized that I'm a totally different person now than what I used to be. I am far more relaxed and far more balanced but at the same time, I'm even more wary of people than I used to be. I've developed the courage to throw some of the people out of my life who had treated me badly - something I never had the ability to do before. I went from being an incredibly passive person before I went through burnout - to an overly aggressive, confrontational person while I was coming down off the medication. Once that had passed, I began to develop a more balanced, assertive personality. Burnout, in a way, has helped me to gain everything I wanted and needed. But it's cost me everything at the same time. It's made me realize the reality of life and that the consequences of our actions are far reaching and can last a lot longer than we realize.
This whole scenario has caused me to understand what it must have been like for Jesus to go through the crucifixion. It's easy to write it off and say that because He was resurrected, His suffering was over. If anything, it was just the beginning. I believe God's heart is even further burdened these days simply due to the amount of people who reject salvation and ignore the only way to be freed from sin - even though God Himself paid such a high price for that salvation to be achieved. I can't imagine anything more frustrating as a parent (even though I'm not a parent myself) than to see your kids walk in a way you don't want them to go despite the warnings you've given them against it, and despite you paying the price so that they didn't have to.
I remember reading somewhere that the only remnants of sin in Heaven will be the scars on the hands, feet and side of Jesus - to serve as a reminder of the price that was paid in order to get us there. Even in that place of paradise there's still consequences for sin that Jesus has to bear for eternity. I guess one thing I've learned through all of this is the reality of both sin and life altering circumstances - even when forgiveness happens, there's still consequences and things are never really the same. Some of those consequences can be long lasting. Some can even be eternal.
My advice to you, readers, is to think and pray before you act. Some of the things that you do and say may not be so easily reversed and can leave eternal marks behind.
Take care.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Breaking camp & walking forwards
Life is a journey. Things are constantly changing, moving forwards. In the exact same way, our walk with God is also a journey. Sometimes you can stay parked in one place for a season, but it's just a matter of time until change rears its head again and you have to move on. As I always say - "Everything changes, and as soon as you get used to the change, everything changes again."
Over the last few years I have come to realize that when seasons change in life, the people that surround you can also change. I believe that God brings people into each person's life for a reason and often, just for a season. This isn't something you hear taught that often in churches. But it's true. I used to want to be everybody's best friend, to constantly be in touch with everyone I'd ever met throughout the course of my life, to remain connected with people and keep them close to me at all times. The concept of letting people go and moving forwards without someone in my life was completely foreign to me. However, my three and a half years in Taupo really changed all that.
When I went through burnout and began the slow rebuilding process of my life from the ground up, I was forced to come to a very harsh realization. I had been parked at a campsite in my life for far too long. I thought I was walking forwards. In reality, I really wasn't. I was parked at the campsite of wanting to be best friends with everybody and to never cross anybody, to blame myself for being upset when somebody did something wrong and to constantly embrace the almost hippie concept of "peace out, man!" at all times. Of course, everybody liked me. Mainly because I fit into their pockets and didn't bother them. But the reality was that I was stagnating in my life and that I was slowly imploding as a result of all of this. It was killing me staying camped here. During the process of recovering from burnout, it was like God took me by the hand and said "you've been here long enough - it's time to move on."
I faced some very harsh and unjust situations in the final few months before I went through burnout and in a way, I was brought into those situations by the Spirit of God. But I was also brought into them by the self centered, irresponsible and immature actions of people I considered friends at the time. I recognize that burnout was a necessary event in my life. It was something that had to come to pass. But I also realize that part of my education was to learn to stand up to the people who had contributed to my downfall due to their own selfish actions and refusal to deal with their insecurities. My typical reaction beforehand would have been "peace out, man. It's my fault, somehow. They didn't know what they were doing, it's my job to learn from this and keep the peace." However, God used these experiences to begin to teach me how to be a man. He told me very clearly what I had to do. "Get over yourself" he said. This is where the journey of moving on from this soul crippling campsite finally began.
As time went on and I became stronger, God made it clear to me that some of the people who had contributed to this horrible phase in my life needed to be let go of before I could go any further. So not only did I lose several friendships but God also lead me to tell someone the full extent of what their selfishness had contributed to in my life and that it was a final warning for this person - that if they didn't change their ways, they were in trouble. I most certainly lost a friendship out of this. But most importantly - I obeyed God. Shortly after speaking to this person my pastor spoke in his sermon about how God calls us to speak into people's lives and tell them things they don't want to hear at times. He said that it's common for us to be afraid of the consequences but God's word to us is simple - "get over yourself". As soon as I heard that, I knew I'd done the right thing. A lot of people have disagreed with my stance and said that what I did was wrong. I've simply told them that I was being obedient to the Spirit of God and that I answer to Him, and Him alone - no one else.
Let me make one thing clear at this point - if there is one thing in my life I absolutely refuse to apologize for and compromise on, it's taking a stand that God has called me to make. I no longer care who I offend or how they react because if I know that God has called me to do it, it's the right thing to do and that to ignore that word and do nothing is wrong. The prophet Jeremiah summed it up beautifully in this verse - But if I say, "I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:9). If God calls me to speak into someone's life - even if it's a clear warning about their behavior that could end a friendship - I will do it. Otherwise, His words burn within me like fire until I do so. I never used to be able to say this as I'd always doubt myself and believe I was wrong. But with the confidence I have in my ability to hear God and the confirmation of the words of my pastor I know that if I was to repent I'd be repenting for obeying the word of God - not a wise thing to do.
This whole experience has forced me to move on from that campsite. Moving on from that campsite displeased a lot of people who were used to me being passive and taking everything on board that was thrown at me. But it was part of my journey. I had to walk forwards. God loved me too much to allow me to stay there and my leaving of that campsite may have displeased a lot of people. But I've realized that this is part of life. Some people are stuck at campsites of their own and only like you as long as you stay there with them and remain stuck at the foot of the same obstacles they are stuck at. The second you say that being here is hurting you and your walk with God, and that you need to move on otherwise you're going to stagnate, they become unhappy and get angry at you for no longer being who they want you to be. Some people can give off the illusion of wanting to move forwards in their lives but when push comes to shove they make it clear that they don't want to go anywhere and don't really want to change - either because they don't know how to or because they simply like the attention they get being stuck at the foot of an obstacle and going round in circles. These are the people you need to learn to let go of - not out of hatred but out of the simple fact that if you remain closely partnered to them while they go round in circles, they drag you down with them and hold you back from being the person God has called you to be.
Over the last few years I have come to realize that when seasons change in life, the people that surround you can also change. I believe that God brings people into each person's life for a reason and often, just for a season. This isn't something you hear taught that often in churches. But it's true. I used to want to be everybody's best friend, to constantly be in touch with everyone I'd ever met throughout the course of my life, to remain connected with people and keep them close to me at all times. The concept of letting people go and moving forwards without someone in my life was completely foreign to me. However, my three and a half years in Taupo really changed all that.
When I went through burnout and began the slow rebuilding process of my life from the ground up, I was forced to come to a very harsh realization. I had been parked at a campsite in my life for far too long. I thought I was walking forwards. In reality, I really wasn't. I was parked at the campsite of wanting to be best friends with everybody and to never cross anybody, to blame myself for being upset when somebody did something wrong and to constantly embrace the almost hippie concept of "peace out, man!" at all times. Of course, everybody liked me. Mainly because I fit into their pockets and didn't bother them. But the reality was that I was stagnating in my life and that I was slowly imploding as a result of all of this. It was killing me staying camped here. During the process of recovering from burnout, it was like God took me by the hand and said "you've been here long enough - it's time to move on."
I faced some very harsh and unjust situations in the final few months before I went through burnout and in a way, I was brought into those situations by the Spirit of God. But I was also brought into them by the self centered, irresponsible and immature actions of people I considered friends at the time. I recognize that burnout was a necessary event in my life. It was something that had to come to pass. But I also realize that part of my education was to learn to stand up to the people who had contributed to my downfall due to their own selfish actions and refusal to deal with their insecurities. My typical reaction beforehand would have been "peace out, man. It's my fault, somehow. They didn't know what they were doing, it's my job to learn from this and keep the peace." However, God used these experiences to begin to teach me how to be a man. He told me very clearly what I had to do. "Get over yourself" he said. This is where the journey of moving on from this soul crippling campsite finally began.
As time went on and I became stronger, God made it clear to me that some of the people who had contributed to this horrible phase in my life needed to be let go of before I could go any further. So not only did I lose several friendships but God also lead me to tell someone the full extent of what their selfishness had contributed to in my life and that it was a final warning for this person - that if they didn't change their ways, they were in trouble. I most certainly lost a friendship out of this. But most importantly - I obeyed God. Shortly after speaking to this person my pastor spoke in his sermon about how God calls us to speak into people's lives and tell them things they don't want to hear at times. He said that it's common for us to be afraid of the consequences but God's word to us is simple - "get over yourself". As soon as I heard that, I knew I'd done the right thing. A lot of people have disagreed with my stance and said that what I did was wrong. I've simply told them that I was being obedient to the Spirit of God and that I answer to Him, and Him alone - no one else.
Let me make one thing clear at this point - if there is one thing in my life I absolutely refuse to apologize for and compromise on, it's taking a stand that God has called me to make. I no longer care who I offend or how they react because if I know that God has called me to do it, it's the right thing to do and that to ignore that word and do nothing is wrong. The prophet Jeremiah summed it up beautifully in this verse - But if I say, "I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. (Jeremiah 20:9). If God calls me to speak into someone's life - even if it's a clear warning about their behavior that could end a friendship - I will do it. Otherwise, His words burn within me like fire until I do so. I never used to be able to say this as I'd always doubt myself and believe I was wrong. But with the confidence I have in my ability to hear God and the confirmation of the words of my pastor I know that if I was to repent I'd be repenting for obeying the word of God - not a wise thing to do.
This whole experience has forced me to move on from that campsite. Moving on from that campsite displeased a lot of people who were used to me being passive and taking everything on board that was thrown at me. But it was part of my journey. I had to walk forwards. God loved me too much to allow me to stay there and my leaving of that campsite may have displeased a lot of people. But I've realized that this is part of life. Some people are stuck at campsites of their own and only like you as long as you stay there with them and remain stuck at the foot of the same obstacles they are stuck at. The second you say that being here is hurting you and your walk with God, and that you need to move on otherwise you're going to stagnate, they become unhappy and get angry at you for no longer being who they want you to be. Some people can give off the illusion of wanting to move forwards in their lives but when push comes to shove they make it clear that they don't want to go anywhere and don't really want to change - either because they don't know how to or because they simply like the attention they get being stuck at the foot of an obstacle and going round in circles. These are the people you need to learn to let go of - not out of hatred but out of the simple fact that if you remain closely partnered to them while they go round in circles, they drag you down with them and hold you back from being the person God has called you to be.
This isn't a judgment call. Everyone is at different phases of their journey and some people just aren't ready to move forwards yet. They can have all the potential in the world, and it's great to recognize that, but you also need to be aware that some people aren't ready to go where you're walking, and vice versa. The people who end up with you for the longest seasons and continue to be by your side throughout the years are those who love truth first and foremost - regardless of how harsh it is because they know the reality that "the truth will set you free" and that anything besides the truth will only keep you in bondage. Throughout my 11 years as a Christian I have learned to love the truth and I do my best to live by it and to walk in it the best I can. I still fail, I still get stuck at the foot of obstacles myself and I still lose my temper due to this frustration at times. But my core principle remains the same - I love truth because it's the truth that has set me free. I realize that those who will remain close with me are those who also love truth and don't flinch when truth is given to them - regardless of how unpleasant it is to hear and how much it contradicts what they want.
My point in all of this is that our desire as Christians should always be to walk forwards. Sometimes God places us in campsites we can't get out of for a reason and for a season but it's always temporary. Listening to God and obeying Him, regardless of how hard it is, is what moves us forwards and stops our spiritual lives stagnating. Those who love the truth and want to see you be the best you that you can possibly be, will acknowledge this. Sometimes those who get annoyed with your stance and want you to stay in camp with them at the foot of an obstacle are those you need to let go of, or at the very least reconsider their place in your lives.
Take care.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Latest review for No Way Out But Through
Hello friends,
I'd like to invite you to check out this awesome review for the book at the following link -
http://liftyouup.blogspot.co.nz/2013/04/book-review-no-way-out-but-trough.html
Many thanks to James for taking the time to write this review. Much appreciated.
I'd like to invite you to check out this awesome review for the book at the following link -
http://liftyouup.blogspot.co.nz/2013/04/book-review-no-way-out-but-trough.html
Many thanks to James for taking the time to write this review. Much appreciated.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Walking the right path
I've been thinking recently about the purposes of God in my life as a Christian. God walks with the people who have chosen to accept Him and lays out paths for them that He wishes for them to walk in their lives. So how do we know when we are on the path He wants us to walk on, or the path we've chosen for ourselves that's actually gone against what He wishes for us?
I remember one particular incident in my life when I had just finished my first year of Faith Bible College. I returned home to Wellington and without asking God what He wanted I just went for what I wanted to do, which was get a job and work to pay off the student debt I had accrued. I didn't bother to ask God what He wanted me to do. Looking back now, I know that wasn't God's will for me. I think I was meant to go back to Faith Bible College. But I didn't care. I told God if I didn't get this job, I was moving to Australia. ANd I meant it. When I was first offered the job it just seemed to me as if God was saying "fine - have it your way". But I didn't care. I had a job. I got what I wanted.
Things started off ok. But as time wore on frustrations began to creep in and I began to lose any sense of peace I ever had about this job. I became more and more distressed and unhappy. I thought if I just continued to hang in there and persevere things would improve. They didn't. Despite all outward appearances that things were fine, I was in complete chaos on the inside. Things only continued to get worse and finally I ended up speaking to my doctor who prescribed me antidepressants. The thing is, I had very low serotonin levels in my brain so I had been in need of antidepressants for some time. It was a blessing in the sense that this situation at work made me aware of my need for medication. But then the horrible side effects began. Sweating, shaking and the like.
I continued to persevere but I was regularly taking days off work sick due to the horrible side effects of the medication I had just begun. My body was under so much stress I was struggling to eat and often couldn't keep food down. Eventually Christmas time rolled around and I went to stay with friends on Great Barrier Island. On the way up to Auckland I had the first sign that something was seriously wrong with me. I felt this horrible wave of nausea ripping through me and it was so bad I had to ask the bus driver to pull over. I crouched on the side of the rode in Turangi, gasping for breath.
At Great Barrier things only got worse. What was supposed to be a relaxing holiday got ten times worse when one day I literally felt as if my stomach had been ripped in half. Shortly afterwards I began vomiting blood. I was rushed to the doctors who immediately called the helicopter to fly me to Auckland hospital. Turns out I had a bleeding stomach ulcer due to high stress levels. I lost a huge amount of weight (not like I have any to lose anyway) and after a few days in hospital, I returned back to Wellington. When I got back to work I was told I was not performing adequately and that regular meetings would be happening to discuss my performance. I soon realized I was more or less being asked to leave. I finally realized I couldn't keep this going and that I had to quit. So I resigned and moved back to Tauranga to do my second year at FBC like I was meant to in the first place.
What did I learn from all of this? To ask God what He wants instead of just taking what I want. Because although things can look good for a while, eventually the reality will begin to sink in that all that's really happening is that you're "pushing crap uphill" so to speak. What happens the second you stop pushing something uphill? It rolls back down on you. There's nothing else to help it continue its journey. There's no one else pushing - only you.
I also learned that acts of willful disobedience by not asking God His will and expecting Him to just fit in with what I wanted to do can only continue for a season. It got to the point where I think God just said "that's enough - you're not going any further in this." It was always going to fail at some point. A Christian who wants to follow God's will can only continue in deliberate disobedience for so long before they hit a brick wall.
Yet another thing I learned was that although I was doing wrong - good things can be taken out of these situations. It was actually a huge blessing to me to realize that I needed to start a course of medication at that point because it helped take my serotonin levels back up to normal. It also taught me that the safest place to be is in the place of God's will and if Godly people or God Himself are warning you not to do something you should really listen to them as there's quite often a good reason why.
When we walk in the path God has set for us - we're not pushing crap uphill. It can be hard at times - incredibly hard. But if God has brought us to it, then He will bring us through it. The all important factor is that because we are being obedient by listening to His voice and obeying His instructions, He is actively involved in our journey - closing doors He doesn't want us to walk through and opening doors He wants us to walk through. There's a deep sense of spiritual peace that comes from walking in the path God has for us - the peace that "surpasses all understanding". (Philippians 4:7). When we are walking in accordance with our own selfish desires and not in the will of God, we lack that peace. It simply isn't there. We can get some kind of emotional gratification from that path - such as we would out of being in a wrong relationship - but the deep down, underlying sense of spiritual peace isn't there. The lack of peace will eventually force its way to the surface and until then we aren't really living but existing, in a place of numbness because we know what we are doing is wrong, but we refuse to admit it.
Isaiah 30:21 says "When you turn either to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying 'this is the way, walk in it.'" God has promised us in His Word that He will speak to us and guide us. The question is - are we prepared to listen to Him, even if the voice is telling us what we really don't want to hear? The fact is - if we continue deliberately walking against His will, we will someday realize it and regret it.
So if you hear God's guidance behind you today, if you see Him actively closing doors in your life and warning you not to continue the way that you are going - listen to Him. You don't want to go through what I did to learn this lesson.
Take care.
I remember one particular incident in my life when I had just finished my first year of Faith Bible College. I returned home to Wellington and without asking God what He wanted I just went for what I wanted to do, which was get a job and work to pay off the student debt I had accrued. I didn't bother to ask God what He wanted me to do. Looking back now, I know that wasn't God's will for me. I think I was meant to go back to Faith Bible College. But I didn't care. I told God if I didn't get this job, I was moving to Australia. ANd I meant it. When I was first offered the job it just seemed to me as if God was saying "fine - have it your way". But I didn't care. I had a job. I got what I wanted.
Things started off ok. But as time wore on frustrations began to creep in and I began to lose any sense of peace I ever had about this job. I became more and more distressed and unhappy. I thought if I just continued to hang in there and persevere things would improve. They didn't. Despite all outward appearances that things were fine, I was in complete chaos on the inside. Things only continued to get worse and finally I ended up speaking to my doctor who prescribed me antidepressants. The thing is, I had very low serotonin levels in my brain so I had been in need of antidepressants for some time. It was a blessing in the sense that this situation at work made me aware of my need for medication. But then the horrible side effects began. Sweating, shaking and the like.
I continued to persevere but I was regularly taking days off work sick due to the horrible side effects of the medication I had just begun. My body was under so much stress I was struggling to eat and often couldn't keep food down. Eventually Christmas time rolled around and I went to stay with friends on Great Barrier Island. On the way up to Auckland I had the first sign that something was seriously wrong with me. I felt this horrible wave of nausea ripping through me and it was so bad I had to ask the bus driver to pull over. I crouched on the side of the rode in Turangi, gasping for breath.
At Great Barrier things only got worse. What was supposed to be a relaxing holiday got ten times worse when one day I literally felt as if my stomach had been ripped in half. Shortly afterwards I began vomiting blood. I was rushed to the doctors who immediately called the helicopter to fly me to Auckland hospital. Turns out I had a bleeding stomach ulcer due to high stress levels. I lost a huge amount of weight (not like I have any to lose anyway) and after a few days in hospital, I returned back to Wellington. When I got back to work I was told I was not performing adequately and that regular meetings would be happening to discuss my performance. I soon realized I was more or less being asked to leave. I finally realized I couldn't keep this going and that I had to quit. So I resigned and moved back to Tauranga to do my second year at FBC like I was meant to in the first place.
What did I learn from all of this? To ask God what He wants instead of just taking what I want. Because although things can look good for a while, eventually the reality will begin to sink in that all that's really happening is that you're "pushing crap uphill" so to speak. What happens the second you stop pushing something uphill? It rolls back down on you. There's nothing else to help it continue its journey. There's no one else pushing - only you.
I also learned that acts of willful disobedience by not asking God His will and expecting Him to just fit in with what I wanted to do can only continue for a season. It got to the point where I think God just said "that's enough - you're not going any further in this." It was always going to fail at some point. A Christian who wants to follow God's will can only continue in deliberate disobedience for so long before they hit a brick wall.
Yet another thing I learned was that although I was doing wrong - good things can be taken out of these situations. It was actually a huge blessing to me to realize that I needed to start a course of medication at that point because it helped take my serotonin levels back up to normal. It also taught me that the safest place to be is in the place of God's will and if Godly people or God Himself are warning you not to do something you should really listen to them as there's quite often a good reason why.
When we walk in the path God has set for us - we're not pushing crap uphill. It can be hard at times - incredibly hard. But if God has brought us to it, then He will bring us through it. The all important factor is that because we are being obedient by listening to His voice and obeying His instructions, He is actively involved in our journey - closing doors He doesn't want us to walk through and opening doors He wants us to walk through. There's a deep sense of spiritual peace that comes from walking in the path God has for us - the peace that "surpasses all understanding". (Philippians 4:7). When we are walking in accordance with our own selfish desires and not in the will of God, we lack that peace. It simply isn't there. We can get some kind of emotional gratification from that path - such as we would out of being in a wrong relationship - but the deep down, underlying sense of spiritual peace isn't there. The lack of peace will eventually force its way to the surface and until then we aren't really living but existing, in a place of numbness because we know what we are doing is wrong, but we refuse to admit it.
Isaiah 30:21 says "When you turn either to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying 'this is the way, walk in it.'" God has promised us in His Word that He will speak to us and guide us. The question is - are we prepared to listen to Him, even if the voice is telling us what we really don't want to hear? The fact is - if we continue deliberately walking against His will, we will someday realize it and regret it.
So if you hear God's guidance behind you today, if you see Him actively closing doors in your life and warning you not to continue the way that you are going - listen to Him. You don't want to go through what I did to learn this lesson.
Take care.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Latest author interview - read it HERE!
Hello everyone,
I was interviewed by my friend and fellow writer Lucy Morgan-Jones about my new book.
Check it out at this link -
http://lucymorgan-jones.com/2013/04/17/no-way-out-but-through-an-honest-interview-with-graham-aitchison/
Hope you enjoy!
I was interviewed by my friend and fellow writer Lucy Morgan-Jones about my new book.
Check it out at this link -
http://lucymorgan-jones.com/2013/04/17/no-way-out-but-through-an-honest-interview-with-graham-aitchison/
Hope you enjoy!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Defining good character
This is a word you see thrown around a lot in Christian circles. "Character". It's all about the "character" of God, what sort of character we should look for in a spouse, etc. But what does the term actually mean? How do you define if someone has good character or not and what kind of people are the ones who have good character?
I believe a person's character is defined by the heart attitudes and belief systems they hold onto which surpass absolutely everything else in their lives. Despite whatever spiritual and emotional issues they may be facing - their character overrides that.
People with good character are not necessarily completely emotionally healthy, fully functional people. They can still have deep emotional wounds that they haven't faced yet, perhaps because they aren't ready to face them at that time. People with good character can still be prone to explosive incidents where they make mistakes and get things terribly wrong. But their real character overrides that - because it's defined by what they do with the mistakes that they have made.
Trials and tribulations are designed to rock our human lives to the core so that we face who we are as human beings and are given an opportunity to face and change the darker parts of our lives. The deepest issues in our lives can never be exposed unless our world is shaken to the core, and that shaking process can be both violent and terrifying. Even the most spiritually and emotionally aware human being who already has a good strong knowledge of themselves and their own emotional make up can find themselves in very darkened places within their own hearts thanks to the shaking happening in their circumstances - and that's exactly how it's meant to be.
Character is defined by how we respond to this shaking and how we respond to the ugliness that's revealed within ourselves when the darkest parts of our own hearts are revealed to us. A person with good character may have found themselves overreacting thanks to a situation that they'd never faced before which brought up something within their own lives that they needed to address. They perhaps weren't able to address it right in the heat of the moment and overreacted. Which is common. However, their character is defined as to how they respond to their overreaction. Do they shirk blame and responsibility, blame others for the state of their own hearts and walk away ignoring this opportunity for personal growth due to being blinded by their own pride, or do they use it as an opportunity to better themselves by learning to look within and ask God to help identify the emotional driving forces that pushed them to this point so that they can work through them and be healed of them? When confronted with their own sin, do they own up and take responsibility (regardless of who is confronting them about their sin) or do they knowingly and willingly defend doing what they know is wrong? To respond in the first manner shows poor, undeveloped character. To respond in the second way shows good character.
The next definition of character is what happens from that point on. Do those who have done wrong learn from their mistakes, heal themselves of the pain that surfaced when their life is shaken and automatically respond better next time, or do they apologize and give the illusion of having changed yet just continue to make the same mistakes all over again and respond the exact same way when next faced with that obstacle (which they'll undoubtedly face once again if they haven't fully worked through it)? This is something that in a lot of ways can only really be observed over time. It's easy to give the appearance of having made significant change in one's life but appearances can be deceiving at times. Once push comes to shove again, you'll see what they are really made of and if they've changed at all.
Everyone is at different stages along this journey. Some are further along than others. I would like to believe that my character is defined by the continual desire to become a stronger, healthier, more well adjusted person. I've learned how to take good things out of hard times and I've certainly faced some times over the past few years that have pushed me well out of what I believed I was capable of coping with at the time and into some dark, terrifying emotional landscapes in my own heart. Sometimes I've reacted badly. Does this make me a bad person and does this cause me to have bad character? I don't believe it does. For the simple reason that despite all these experiences where I know I've made mistakes, I've learned a great deal about myself and become much stronger and healthier as a result. Those who know me well and have observed me over time have noticed a drastic change over the past few years. I could easily have decided to sit and sulk in my misery but I made the effort to improve myself, and I believe that effort is showing. I've made mistakes, and those mistakes have had consequences. But they don't change who I am as a person.
I have also had to make choices to remove people from my life for the way that the place that they are in currently in regards to their journey has affected me and in some cases, hurt me very deeply. People immediately say "you shouldn't judge". I believe you can't judge a person's heart. But you can judge their actions and when people are deliberately defending wrongdoing in their own lives which is hurting other people, I feel I am quite within my rights to make the choice to remove them. I can't judge what is happening in their hearts. That's not my place. But what I can do is say to myself that "I don't believe it's beneficial for me or this person if we remain in each other's lives. Their character has proven that they may do this to me again and they also need to face some consequences for their actions". Which I think is a fair point. God forgives us our sins. But there's still consequences for the wrong we've done and sometimes those consequences are irreversible. I know I've done some things in the past with irreversible consequences to friendships and relationships. I've learned from them and grown as a result. But the consequences remain.
I guess my point is that we need to be very careful whom we allow closely into our hearts and before we go off crying out to God for a spouse or anything like that, we need to make sure our own character is in a place of being ready for it and being able to handle it. I believe that God knows our hearts and our lives better than we do. He is capable of bringing the right people into our lives at the right time - people of character. But we must have good character ourselves first. Developing good character is a messy and painful process. It can take years before any change is seen. But it's necessary if we want to live healthy emotional lives and want to truly be able to better ourselves as people and make the world a better place.
Take care.
I believe a person's character is defined by the heart attitudes and belief systems they hold onto which surpass absolutely everything else in their lives. Despite whatever spiritual and emotional issues they may be facing - their character overrides that.
People with good character are not necessarily completely emotionally healthy, fully functional people. They can still have deep emotional wounds that they haven't faced yet, perhaps because they aren't ready to face them at that time. People with good character can still be prone to explosive incidents where they make mistakes and get things terribly wrong. But their real character overrides that - because it's defined by what they do with the mistakes that they have made.
Trials and tribulations are designed to rock our human lives to the core so that we face who we are as human beings and are given an opportunity to face and change the darker parts of our lives. The deepest issues in our lives can never be exposed unless our world is shaken to the core, and that shaking process can be both violent and terrifying. Even the most spiritually and emotionally aware human being who already has a good strong knowledge of themselves and their own emotional make up can find themselves in very darkened places within their own hearts thanks to the shaking happening in their circumstances - and that's exactly how it's meant to be.
Character is defined by how we respond to this shaking and how we respond to the ugliness that's revealed within ourselves when the darkest parts of our own hearts are revealed to us. A person with good character may have found themselves overreacting thanks to a situation that they'd never faced before which brought up something within their own lives that they needed to address. They perhaps weren't able to address it right in the heat of the moment and overreacted. Which is common. However, their character is defined as to how they respond to their overreaction. Do they shirk blame and responsibility, blame others for the state of their own hearts and walk away ignoring this opportunity for personal growth due to being blinded by their own pride, or do they use it as an opportunity to better themselves by learning to look within and ask God to help identify the emotional driving forces that pushed them to this point so that they can work through them and be healed of them? When confronted with their own sin, do they own up and take responsibility (regardless of who is confronting them about their sin) or do they knowingly and willingly defend doing what they know is wrong? To respond in the first manner shows poor, undeveloped character. To respond in the second way shows good character.
The next definition of character is what happens from that point on. Do those who have done wrong learn from their mistakes, heal themselves of the pain that surfaced when their life is shaken and automatically respond better next time, or do they apologize and give the illusion of having changed yet just continue to make the same mistakes all over again and respond the exact same way when next faced with that obstacle (which they'll undoubtedly face once again if they haven't fully worked through it)? This is something that in a lot of ways can only really be observed over time. It's easy to give the appearance of having made significant change in one's life but appearances can be deceiving at times. Once push comes to shove again, you'll see what they are really made of and if they've changed at all.
Everyone is at different stages along this journey. Some are further along than others. I would like to believe that my character is defined by the continual desire to become a stronger, healthier, more well adjusted person. I've learned how to take good things out of hard times and I've certainly faced some times over the past few years that have pushed me well out of what I believed I was capable of coping with at the time and into some dark, terrifying emotional landscapes in my own heart. Sometimes I've reacted badly. Does this make me a bad person and does this cause me to have bad character? I don't believe it does. For the simple reason that despite all these experiences where I know I've made mistakes, I've learned a great deal about myself and become much stronger and healthier as a result. Those who know me well and have observed me over time have noticed a drastic change over the past few years. I could easily have decided to sit and sulk in my misery but I made the effort to improve myself, and I believe that effort is showing. I've made mistakes, and those mistakes have had consequences. But they don't change who I am as a person.
I have also had to make choices to remove people from my life for the way that the place that they are in currently in regards to their journey has affected me and in some cases, hurt me very deeply. People immediately say "you shouldn't judge". I believe you can't judge a person's heart. But you can judge their actions and when people are deliberately defending wrongdoing in their own lives which is hurting other people, I feel I am quite within my rights to make the choice to remove them. I can't judge what is happening in their hearts. That's not my place. But what I can do is say to myself that "I don't believe it's beneficial for me or this person if we remain in each other's lives. Their character has proven that they may do this to me again and they also need to face some consequences for their actions". Which I think is a fair point. God forgives us our sins. But there's still consequences for the wrong we've done and sometimes those consequences are irreversible. I know I've done some things in the past with irreversible consequences to friendships and relationships. I've learned from them and grown as a result. But the consequences remain.
I guess my point is that we need to be very careful whom we allow closely into our hearts and before we go off crying out to God for a spouse or anything like that, we need to make sure our own character is in a place of being ready for it and being able to handle it. I believe that God knows our hearts and our lives better than we do. He is capable of bringing the right people into our lives at the right time - people of character. But we must have good character ourselves first. Developing good character is a messy and painful process. It can take years before any change is seen. But it's necessary if we want to live healthy emotional lives and want to truly be able to better ourselves as people and make the world a better place.
Take care.
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